I never thought I would what it feels like to mourn myself until recently. I decided I needed to come to terms with the fact that the old me is dead and gone, nothing but a distant memory. My days of living for the moment and having no cares were over.
I needed closure. I never realized that my addiction was such a traumatizing part of my life. I lived through things I would never wish on my worst enemy. I can now say ” I was abused.” “I was hurt.” and “I was powerless.”. The day I realized my addiction left me with some PTSD something clicked. I felt the need to confront my past, see my past, show my past I am better then I was, I am worth something, I have all the power now!
I filled my gas tank and off I went. I drove to the center of my addiction. I sat in the parking lot of the shitty motel of were I was raped. I made myself say “I was raped.” “It was not my fault.” and promised myself I would never be in a situation where I am so vulnerable. Looking back I remember how alone I felt. No one would believe a junkie stripper so I never sought help. I was worthless trash, right? wrong! No one is “trash”. For years I let men take advantage of me emotionally and physically and that lead to me using more and more drugs to numb myself. I did not want to feel the hurt anymore but sober me needed to feel the pain.
Sitting in my car I cried, I remembered, I let go. Today I am free. I have worth. I am Lovable. So many women ( and men too!) feel like the world doesn’t need them. Not true! we need you, we need your stories, your thoughts, your ideas. Seeing the despair of the Fairview hotel made me want to be a better person. Facing my personal hell sparked a desire in me to find my purpose. I still don’t know what the purpose is but I want to reach out to women (and men!) and show them they are special. Drugs may help numb the pain today but the pain will be there tomorrow.
If you are new to recovery confronting your “personal hell” may trigger you. Saying goodbye and allowing yourself to mourn the old you takes time. Finding that peace and forgiveness to all those who hurt you and all the hurt you did to yourself takes time. Only take the steps when you feel ready and you know how grounded you are in your your recovery.
If you or someone you love has been raped, you are not alone! Every 73 seconds someone in America is raped. Reach out and get help! Call 1-800-656-4673 or 911.