Over the course of my addiction I lost who I was. I started dating a guy and quickly the relationship got more serious. When we first started dating we just smoked a little pot and maybe had a wine cooler here and there. By the end of our relationship we were both full blown heroin and crack/cocaine addicts. During the course of the relationship we almost became one person. If he ate the I ate, if he got high then I got high and I was not allowed to have feelings. If I got angry or upset he would dismiss all reasoning for my thoughts/ emotions. I became (insert my exs name here)’s wife and I was just that. We did everything when he wanted and how he wanted. I couldn’t have hobbies or friends and if I walked out of line then I was cheating and had to be “punished”. By punished I mean screamed at for hours and accused of horrible things.
So the day I decided to get clean I decided to get clean from him as well. I moved away, far away from him and decided to cut off communication. Now that I had a clear mind, a support system, and self respect he couldn’t beat me down the way he had for 6 years. Looking back I see now how manipulative and crazy drugs can make a person. My ex was (keyword was) an amazing person. Sadly now when I think of him I think of him in past tense. I feel like he is dead. The man I feel in love with died when the drugs took over and now a ghost of him walks the earth praying on women with self esteem issues.
I do not hate him nor will I ever be able to love him again but I am thankful that he showed me I can fall into love, be hurt, and still come back from that with plenty of love in my heart for others. Now I can answer someone when they ask me what I like to eat without looking at a man for approval. I can walk in public with my head held high. I have hobbies and favorite TV shows, and colors.
If you ever feel like you are trapped reach out to someone. Domestic violence touches the lives of millions of MEN and WOMEN worldwide.
National Domestic Violence Hotline1-800-799-7233