Allowing myself to love and be loved

Ever since I got clean I focused so hard on staying clean and rebuilding myself that I put love on the back burner. I spent my nights fixing my credit and working 60 hours a week so I could “keep busy” and stay out of trouble. One day at work I started day dreaming about changing my career. After a week of tough thinking and debating, I went down to the local trade school and signed up for a 6 month welding course! The feeling of allowing myself to chase a dream felt so freeing. I cut my work hours back and made my want and need for a career change my number one priority.

Fast forward to the first day of class, here I am a female in a class full of males about to embark on a personal challenge. I was pretty nervous since I was completely out of my element. I sat alone in the first row, paying attention to my new teacher explaining the program and what to expect during the next 6 months. Finally it was time for our first break and I was ready to get some air.

The guy sitting 3 people behind me tapped on my shoulder and asked me if I would like to have a smoke with him. He was cute and was in the same program as me so I agreed. We went outside and he passed me a Newport and we chatted for a few minutes. I learned he had kids, was in recovery and was looking to better his life as well. This guy was so freakin awesome! But something inside of me said ” He won’t like you, your impossible to love. just tell him your not looking for anyone right now.” But I did not turn him away.

So fast forward about a week. He could tell I had been hurt previously and that dating wasn’t my thing. Even when I would push him away he would pull me closer. He pushed me in a good way, a positive way. He was relentless in showing me I could be loved and love someone else. It wasn’t untill we found out we were pregnant that I learned how much I loved him.

we had just found out we were pregnant not long before we lost our first baby. I had never really wanted to have anymore kids, never wanted to be married or even be in a serious relationship again but he made me change my way of thinking 100%. After our miscarriage he showed me what a loving fiance ( At this point we are now engaged!) is. He held me while I cried, cried with me, and kept me stable when I was on the edge of a breakdown. I wanted to run and hide because I could see how much pain he was in and was scared he blamed me but he looked me in my eyes and said ” Baby, this was out of your control, out of my control. I know your blaming yourself and I want you to know I love you and I am here for you. I am your shoulder to cry on. I am your rock. I will be by your side no matter what. I love you and that wont change. we will have a family someday.” Those words eased my pain and grounded me. When I wanted to run and hide from the pain, he took my hand and acknowledged the pain and helped me overcome it head on.

Now here I am 12 weeks pregnant, clean, and loved. Not just loved by the worlds most amazing man but loved by me and that is a wonderful feeling. Its crazy how you can find love in the most unexpected places, such as welding school!

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